laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
