My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
We just shotgunned beers for America
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize