The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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