so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
