I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My feet surprised me
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