but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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