he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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