My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
