home. puking in laundry basket.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
