nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
