My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
