he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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