I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
