birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
