Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
