i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
