I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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