your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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