Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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