I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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