I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
