you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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