The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
