If i come over, it means nothing
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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