Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
