chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
