mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The power of my boobs compel you
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
