I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
