I haven't been this sober since birth.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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