Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
