I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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