so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
