did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
