its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
