she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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