dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
