So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I forget how to act sober
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