eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize