Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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