I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
