Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
