Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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