Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
