How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
