I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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