I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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