I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
