Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
why do cheetos always look like penises
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
