u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
