I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
