I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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