it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
