I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
